SOF 49 / September 2001 beachcomber by Alison Webster the alpha game Bridget Jones did not realise, when she made a guest appearance in the last edition of Beachcomber, that Alpha was about to relaunch itself at the cost of £1 million. Her prophetic powers are greater than she knows.
First there was Christianity, then there was Churchianity. Now, it seems, Christendom is to be saved single-handedly by Nicky Gumbel and Alphianity. Well, not quite single-handedly. Let's not underestimate the role of David Frost as chief apologist (what is he playing at? Those of Methodist heritage are usually so sensible) and ITV as the vehicle.
How have they swung this one? A series of ten programmes, each one hour long. Yes, ten programmes, all about Alpha. It's called Alpha:
Will it Change their Lives? and it's broadcast very late on Sunday nights (thank God for small mercies) from July 29. There is a touch of "spiritual Big Brother" in ITV's plans, as we are invited to follow ten "youngsters" through the Alpha course process, at the end of which we find out who was "converted". The big mistake of the programme makers is to assume that we, as viewers, give a shit.
In the interests of research, I settled down on July 29 to watch the first programme. I had something of a head start, having already watched the Alpha "promotional video" which has been sent out to all church leaders, encouraging participation in the new "Alpha Supper Initiative". (I, of course, am not a Church Leader, but some of my best friends are). This is a cunning plan to "invite the nation to supper". Yes, that's the whole nation. These guys are, if nothing else, ambitious. And I have news for you. Bridget Jones was lucky. Shepherds pie and diced carrots (washed down with Kia Ora) is the normative menu after all. But on the video you get the compensatory confectionary smile of presenter Diane Louise Jordan, which also reassures you (subliminally of course) that this is all as harmless as Blue Peter.
The programme focuses on Alpha as delivered at London's Holy Trinity, Brompton (HTB), its original ecclesiastical home, and on Nicky Gumbel, the course's inventor, and one of the oldest curates in the Church of England. He obviously also thinks he's one of the best-looking - and he may be. The competition's not great, after all. Like all evangelical vicars, Nicky Gumbel likes to try to be funny. Especially to bite the hand that feeds him with jokes designed to endear him to an initially sceptical audience: "Even God wants to leave the Church of England". Ho ho. show Cheesemongers: Jordan and Frost The first half (at least) of the programme was a straightforwardly uncritical "exploration" of how Alpha has "changed lives". Except it soon became clear that it wasn't Alpha that had changed the lives at all. It was classic evangelical Christianity.
The testimonies were no different from those I heard at Christian Union twenty years ago. Three people: one ex-drug-abusing ex-con (now heading up Alpha in prisons, which is a major initiative), one distressed and bereaved mother and (just to show that Christianity isn't just for "losers"), one man who was perfectly OK thank you and didn't want for anything, who nevertheless one day was so overwhelmed by the love of the Holy Spirit flooding his life that he cried for a whole halfhour and gave himself to the Lord. So now he can go to church with his wife and kids who had, it turned out, been going to an evangelical church for ages. And we know how much pressure gets SOF 49/ September 2001 14 "Even God wants to leave the Church of England".
Ho ho”. put on spouses with unsaved partners at such places. Get the picture? Most people under incessant pressure from a fervent spouse would have given in sooner or later and probably cried with relief for more than half an hour.
The second half began with a hopeful phrase: "Not everyone, of course, is supportive of Alpha".
Hoorah. Critique pending. Well yes. It lasted three minutes. Rev Dr Steven Shakespeare, vicar of Endcliffe in Sheffied (yes, a humble place, but he does have a Ph.D and his name does make him sound like a literary genius), was filmed in glorious monotone in his very traditional, dingy and uninviting-looking church saying that perhaps Alpha was purveying a rather narrow biblical literalism and was unquestioningly a sad manifestation of spiritual consumerism in our fragmented postmodern world. Or something.
And that was it. Token "other side of the argument" put, the programme romped home by introducing "the Alpha Ten": those trendy and attractive "youngsters" whose progress we will be following. Some examples: Minnie is 24 and likes clubbing and drinking. She does not have a hole in her life. Harry is 27 going on 40. He is a banker in the city and is going to marry Lucinda (or was that Lucy?) and they are doing Alpha because they feel guilty about getting married in church. Lola is a successful lawyer in the city and wants some spirituality in her life to make it "more balanced". Gavin is one of two token nonposh people. He works for Pizza Hut and thinks life would be "more interesting" if it had a "spiritual element". Tony, 32, is the other one. He is a painter and decorator and lives on a council estate. In short, eight out of ten are white; eight out of ten are middle class; ten out of ten work in the private sector - five of them at least in the City. The researchers obviously didn't want to travel far.
The best thing about Alpha, Will it Change their Lives? was the adverts. One for "God Digital", a new evangelical cable channel (go on SoFers, sign up. I dare you), was immediately followed by that familiar one for ITV Digital. You know, the one with a thick Mancunian couch potato and a very clever soft toy made out of woolly socks: "Eh, Monkey, we need more telly", says the former to the latter in despair at what's on offer. "No, we need better telly" corrects Monkey. "Eh, Monkey, we need better telly" repeats couch potato.
We don't need more religion, but we need better religion than Alpha.