THIS IS MY STORY Anne Horner Network members are invited to contribute their own stories. Anne Horner is 55, married, has three grown-up children, has been PCC secretary, MU secretary, Junior Church leader, Deanery Synod representative, did an Open University degree as a mature student, and is now ‘“‘trying not to fill up the hole left by giving up church work’’. She lives at Whitton Lodge, Ballast Quay, Wivenhoe, Colchester, Essex CO7 9JT.
I joined SoF eagerly near the beginning because a friend who is also a member of the local church suggested that we might be able to explore ideas more freely at its meetings than we ever felt free to do at parish discussion groups. I have found this to be true.
One part of church life which I found appalling once I had started on this path was the way in which, in general, congregations have been kept in the dark about twentieth century explorations of religious/theological ideas by the clergy. It was only when I was in a parish with someone who welcomed the chance to talk with laity on an equal footing and respected their ability to cope with new ideas that I realised how simplistically most clergy preached and spoke to anyone not wearing a dog-collar. It is because most of them cannot cope with the implications of twentieth century thought that most of the time we are treated to hackneyed and often literal interpretations of biblical writings and church dogma.
When I found that theologians and clergy had actually written papers and books expressing those views I had been trying to suppress because I felt they would alienate me from something I held very dear, it was a most liberating experience. John Robinson, Don Cupitt, John Hick, John Spong and Harry Williams spring immediately to mind, but also Keith Ward, Lavinia Byrne, Daphne Hampson and many others have greatly helped me on my on-going quest for a personal view of life’s deepest meanings.
I recently decided that after a lifetime of extremely regular church-going, for many years twice on Sunday as I was a member of the choir, and also weekday services quite often, I needed a break to try to analyse why I now felt so uneasy in a place where once I had felt so happy and at home, Various beliefs which had once seemed immovable had now become stumbling blocks to me, and I know through discussion with them, also to some others in our congregation. But these had to be affirmed week by week.
For some months, when I stood to say the Creed I just didn’t say anything because I found it impossible to say ‘*We believe’? when a great deal of it I did not believe any more, and other parts I was ambivalent about. When it was decided that the laity should lead the Intercessions in our parish I was invited to take part. The rector and a few others knew of my doubts about God and prayer but suggested that I should contribute, and this was generous.
I know my way of contributing helped some others, and perhaps it should have helped me, but I still felt as though I should not be in church any more.
Anthony Freeman’s God in Us spelt out in ordinary words, as opposed to theological language, much of what I had been thinking. Not only about God but about Jesus.
When you read of the myths and stories from other cultures (I saw and bought a book by Joseph Campbell recommended in Sea of Faith magazine which I found most illuminating) it is easier to realise what happened in the early years of the church and each century since.
When you listen to what physics and biology have to say you have to take account of what has been found to be true in this century. I do not think that we shall ever explain all things in the world by science, but surely our ideas about life must take into account modern thought.
We cannot just stick in first-century Palestine or with what the early church fathers thought.
I wonder if, as someone suggested the other day, after all the exploring (to paraphrase T S Eliot) I shall arrive where I started and know the place for the first time! Or would this be a cop-out?