Adam: Good man but problems with his wife.
Some say he’s not all there - one rib short of a chestful.
Noah: Good with animals, but prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Good for interfaith development as he’s claimed by Jews, Joseph: Bit of a New Ager as he believes in dream-interpreting. He also has a prison record. Wears a coat of even more colours than David Hart’s.
Moses: Good writer. Genesis a best-seller, Exodus shortlisted for the Whitbread, but Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy all a bit of a yawn. Deuteronomy contains a moving account of his own death. Leviticus suggests some homophobia, which could be a problem for some (but not all) our members.
David: Good man, if we can overlook his spat with Goliath (qv), and that he got rid of Bathsheeba’s husband so that he could have her for himself, and claimed to have written most of the Psalms. (And do we really want another David?) Goliath: You must be joking. We need him like a hole in the head.
Job: Always complaining. Has boils.
Solomon: Wise chap, but with 700 concubines and 300 wives, there are doubts about whether he really has the energy for the job.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Often confused with Elisha (qv).
Elisha: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure. Often confused with Elijah (qv).
Deborah: We have nothing against a woman, but...
Esther, Ruth, Jezebel, Rahab, Mary, the other Mary: See Deborah.
Gabriel: An absolute angel, live in another world.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, negative, but he seems to alarmist, always lamenting things, reported to have’ taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the banks of a foreign river.
But why should we hold that against him?
Isaiah: Naive idealist. Wants us to beat swords into ploughshares, and generally take our values seriously. A fretter. Trouble.
Christians and Moslems.
EXCLUSIVE !
Daniel: Well qualified. Used to spending time in lions’ dens.
Jonah: Told us he refused God’s call until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. We hung up. He called again to say the fish had spat him out on the shore. In our view, it aint necessarily so.
Balaam: ass.
Amos: Has a hang-up against wealthy people.
Too political for SoF.
Hagai: Come again?
Not our type. Talks through his Hagai: Author of the least-read book in the Bible. Unlikely to increase our circulation.
Onan: Withdrawn. And he’s going blind.
John: Says he’s a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like any of the Baptists who go to our church. Certainly has a head on his shoulders - or used to. Provokes religious leaders. Come to think of it, an ideal candidate.
Peter: Rock hard, but had a big run-in with Paul over body-mutilation (he was for it).
Possibly Peter, Fisher of men, would be better for Portholes?
Paul: Great writer (you should see his poem on love, for the Corinth SoF group). Rather evangelical. Sexuality definitely a grey area. Doesn’t like women much, especially when they open their mouth. Won the argument with Peter over body-mutilation though.
James & John: Package deal twosome, seemed’ good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding fellow workers and seating positions.
John the Divine: His last book was a Revelation! His Gospel took a different tack from the other three, but he was back on message with 1 John, 2 John and 3 John.
Could replace Patti in running the “Epistles to the Editor” column?
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old - by about 940 years.
Bildad the Shuhite: Too small.
Lazarus: Not again!
Jesus: Nearly as big as the Beatles. But once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then his following dwindled to twelve people - the size of our Steering Committee. Never written anything, except a couple of words in the sand. But good at telling stories - and at hypotheses...
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. All things to all men, doesn’t take a clear line on anything, runs his own private network on the side. Good connections. Good kisser. Knows how to handle other people’s money. Possibilities here.
It’s probably a choice between him and our last candidate...
The Fool: Anonymous contender referred to by the Psalmist (“The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God”). Probably the religious humanists’ candidate, but would he be acceptable to members of “SoF in the Churches”? Consult with Ronald.